The guilt I feel is crushing. I obsessively pick over the past few years, and think of every time Stephen was ill. If only he went to the doctor sooner, if only I had made him go to the doctor…right there is where that train of thought runs off the rails – no one made Stephen do anything. One of the drawbacks to loving a Type-A arrogant bastard. I could ask him to go to the doctor, in fact I begged, but he went when he decided to go. The symptoms he had that in hindsight should have told me what was going on. I have a feeling that he wasn’t completely honest with the doctor, the times he did go – that famous British reserve wouldn’t let him talk about his bowels.
So I feel guilt for not seeing it sooner. What kind of a wife was I that I didn’t see it? I can’t stop thinking that if I had picked up on it sooner, he’d still be here with me. If I had picked up on it sooner, maybe the bowel cancer wouldn’t have spread to his liver. Probably, maybe, I don’t know for sure.
So much guilt. It tears me up inside, gives me no rest…
Hindsight is amazing thing for sharpening the vision. It is not easy but I it helps to decide to let it go as best as you can – there will always be things that you could/would/should have done differently looking back but all we can do is the best we can and that I’m sure you did.
Very wise words, thank you. You’re right about needing to let the guilt go – that’s what the grief counselor tells me. And I am working through it. Part of me knows that I did the best for him that I could.
YOU LOVED HIM FOR WHO AND WHAT HE WAS,,,,RIGHT? iF YOU ASKED HIM TO GO AND HE WENT AND DIDN’T TELL THE DOCTOR WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON, WHAT DID YOU GAIN? MORE GUILT,??? HE WAS WHO HE WAS AND ALL OF THE PARTS OF HIM MADE HIM WHO HE WAS, THE GUILT YOU FEEL IS YOUR MIND TELLING YOU THAT YOU DID ALL YOU COULD IT STILL WASN’T ENOUGH. YOU LOVED HIM AND HE LOVED YOU FOR ALL OF THE TIME YOU WERE TOGETHER, FEEL THE GUILT BUT DON’T BE CONSUMED BY IT……
Yeah, that’s the trick isn’t it? Not to be consumed by it. I’ll get there, eventually. I have to.
Kevin is sick now – and I knew it a long time ago. I am not the type to force him to the doctor, and he is not the type to be forced into ANYTHING. I wonder toward the future and the possible outcomes, and cannot help but imagine if I will feel this sort of guilt, should it turn that direction…or if I will keep the peaceful thoughts I have now, while he is still here, that I did only what I could do under the circumstances…
Oh Audra. It makes me so sad you have to deal with this. God forbid it should turn that direction. If you do feel the guilt, it will be temporary. The guilt is just a way of attempting to change the outcome – denial, in other words. You will come to believe, as I have, that you did all you could.