I’m not sleeping well, again. For a while there my sleeping pattern was almost back to normal, but now I find I don’t sleep at all without the sleeping pill. I’m going back to the doctor, see what he says. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know what he’s going to say – we need to up the anti-depressant. I’m committed to doing whatever will help me get through the grieving process, but *sigh* I really wish I could wake up a year from now and have it all behind me. Well duh, right? Who wouldn’t take that option if it were available?
I’ve suffered from insomnia most of my adult life, and I’m a pro at functioning while sleep-deprived. Rather, I was a pro. Now, without a good night’s sleep I am a shambling wreck. The professional tells me it’s more important than ever to get sleep. Grieving takes so much out of me, my resources are so low – without rest, I start the day at the breaking point. I know it’s going to be a bad day when I start crying before I get out of bed.
Last night I didn’t sleep well even with the sleeping pill. I kept waking up, and woke up tired to start the day. Buffy hurt herself at daycare yesterday – tore one of her footpads. She was limping and looking very sorry for herself, and that’s what I was thinking about as I went to sleep. I had awful dreams all night. I’m terrified of losing her – I don’t think I can take another loss right now. So of course I dreamed about it all night. Another trip to the vet, although i can’t imagine he’ll do anything more than snip off the hanging skin flap – and I’m sure I’ll pay through the nose for the privilege.
Which reminds me…I feel as if I need to start figuring out what’s next. I’m not actually doing anything about it, but I feel as if I should…my savings won’t last forever. The professional says that’s a good sign, the fact that I’m thinking about it. I guess I’m making progress… a stumbling, lurching sort of progress, but I’ll take what I can get.
I have to acknowledge here I know how very fortunate I am that I can take all the time I need. Stephen took care of me in life, and he’s still taking care of me.