Well, another Monday has rolled around. Anyone over a certain age will know the song I’m referring to in the title of this post. Today is a cool, grey day, with the sun hiding behind storm clouds. Winter is coming, my least favorite season.
For the past month or so I have needed a break. Not from grieving, because I don’t actually have a choice there. I’ve taken a break from giving it my full attention, and have started a couple of projects to occupy my mind – more about those later.
I miss him more than ever, although I don’t understand how that’s possible. I have moments where I forget – just for a little while – that he’s gone. And when I remember, it’s like stepping off a cliff. Last week I came back from my driving lesson all pumped up, I did really well. I ran into the house to tell him how well I did…I was so excited to share it with him. When I opened the door, the emptiness hit me in the solar plexus – just knocked the breath right out of me. I remembered, then, and it hurt so much. I’m out and about more these days, which affords ever more opportunities for the hole he left to sideswipe me, out of the blue.
I’ve been putting off going to bed, also. I catnap on the sofa until 2 or 3 am, then get up and stagger to bed. I think it’s a way off putting off the coming of a new day. And when I get up, I’m fuzzy-headed, which makes everything so much easier to deal with. Or, to be honest, to NOT deal with.
It’s time to go to work, according to my shrink. Something to give my days a structure, because I’m not capable of doing that on my own.
To be more accurate, I’m looking for volunteer opportunities. Not a real job, it’s too much pressure right now. I know I’m lucky to have the choice. I’m constantly reminded of how well he took care of me…is still taking care of me. So I’m free to be a precious little snowflake, and take as much time as I need to be a fully functioning member of society again.