Today I’m going to talk about a project I’ve set for myself. Not your run of the mill project, oh no. That would be too easy. For me, a seriously complicated, twisty project. As complicated as possible, to keep my brain occupied and off the subject of the big gaping hole in my life. I didn’t realize that in the beginning, but I know now that’s what it amounts to.

Whatever gets you through the day, right?

So. First, I decided that I want to travel. I started with the idea of traveling around the world. I seriously adore going places, seeing new things. My family always called me the gypsy, because I moved around so much. Stephen enjoyed feeding my addiction, and we planned so many trips. We took a few, but…After he got sick, he regretted putting them off.

But what about the dog? Buffy is attached to my hip. We’ve been together all day every day since I brought her home, not counting my trips away. My constant companion. The behavior specialist I took her to expressed concern that I would get a job, leaving her alone all day. Well, I need to earn an income at some point…so I decided to try and put all those needs together.

Are you wondering about the cats? Gah, they barely notice I’m gone, as cats do. As long as there’s a body here to worship and feed them, they’ll be fine.

Right. Where was I? Travel, with the dog, and earning some money along the way.

I decided to buy a travel trailer (it’s known here as a caravan). I’ve not seen any of this country, and so that’s what I’m going to do. Travel around Australia, with the dog. I’ll have a blog (OF COURSE…does anyone do anything without documenting it for the world?) and maybe I can monetize the blog? I know I can pick up work wherever I go.

Now, the project. I decided I want an Airstream. Such an American icon, who didn’t grow up dreaming of owning one someday? I have to find one to buy, while sitting on the other side of the world. Oh, but buying it is the least of it. Then, I have to modify it to comply with Australian standards, for example moving the door to the other side of the trailer. Then, apply for an import permit, ship it, get it registered here, and find a place in my yard to put it. Meanwhile, I can barely drive the Land Rover, forget about pulling a trailer with it.

I’m taking it one step at a time. Practicing driving the Land Rover (when I can get it up the driveway) is step one. Everything else comes after that, and I’ll get there when I get there.

(I have to share this. I’m crying right now, and Buffy has come put her head on my knee. Aw, my baby.)

I’m creating a new life for myself, because I have to. What’s the alternative, really? To be brutally honest, though, it’s hard to make myself care about any of it. The thought of traveling for months at a time in the Airstream makes me happy…and that’s enough, for now. Whatever the next step is, I’ll choose the one that makes me happy, the one that feels right. Not to get all hippy dippy about it, but…living an authentic life is my goal.

Somewhere along that path, I believe that I will learn to live with the aching loss I feel so constantly.