Fairytales do come true, and Stephen was my Prince Charming. And let me tell you, I kissed a LOT of frogs to find my Prince. What happens when the fairy tale ends? When happily ever after…is over?
I keep a picture of him on my nightstand, and I tell him good night and give him a kiss every night. And if I pretend that he’s there cuddling me, who can judge me for that?
I’m doing the right things, I’m working through my grief, moving on and crafting something good from the ashes of my dreams.
But.
There is this weight that drags me down. There is a ball and chain attached to my ankle, and I’m limping through the days, dragging it behind me. The pain never leaves. It never. leaves. How do people co-exist with such a massive thing? It has hollowed me out, and left me so empty inside. I am functioning (mostly)… but it’s still so fucking raw. When does it start to hurt less?
In 3 days it will be 8 months since I lost my love. I don’t remember a lot of what went on the past 8 months, and I think that’s a blessing. He’s gone from me, and I’m so angry and hurt and resentful and bewildered and lonely and frightened and overwhelmed.
When does it start to hurt less?
Well…sis..I will tell you the truth…..if you can take it read on….or if you can´t right now….then delete this comment….it really never gets better or easier….it is always there….love and loved ones never really die….it and they only grow fainter until you don´t think of about itand them every minute of every day….the day will come when your mind will let go….and you will find that somehow you have moved on and the day has passed and for the first time you didn´t think about the lost love….it will come…but you have to let it come……..
Too Young a Widow;
I know it feels like it will never end, or get better. What I’ve learned this past year is that things DO get better, in small degrees.
I still have a lot of bad days, and a lot of sadness. But, there are moments now that I don’t think of him. There are times when I stop and realize that I feel a bit of contentment with the moment that I am in. I’m not as easily triggered. I’ve got a lot of plans for the summer to do things that I enjoy. It’s these small things that I’ve learned to be thankful for as they happen, and I know that gradually those small moments will turn into bigger ones.
Take care, and be kind to yourself.
I came across your blog this morning and have just finished reading every single post! If you read your posts from the very first one until today you can see the huge strides you have taken in your emotional journey toward healing. I love your idea about doing what you love (baking) and selling them at the market.
Not until you are well and truly tired of it and will it to lessen, purposefully turn your mind away from it. I am not saying you need to do that now or should do that now…just that you won’t stop indulging yourself in the grief until you are absolutely disgusted with it and yourself. And even then, it won’t be absolute. Life will always be shades and layers.
I have been reading this since you started your blog. I know you don’t realize it but just voicing your feeling is a big step. I love you sweetie, and just keep on keeping on.