Well, another Monday has rolled around, and I’m not sure where the last week went. The duct tape repairs I’ve made to my psyche are really starting to show. I keep things ticking over here – barely – but I’m not as on top of things as I believed. Many, many things are falling through the cracks, and I forget a lot.
Most of his stuff I pushed into a room and shut the door on it… Figuring I’ll get to it when I’m ready. It seems I’ve done that all over the house. Push it out of sight, and out of mind. I have a little bunker that I cleared and organized. It’s where I am most of the time, where I work and spend my days. That much I could handle. But, that can only go on for so many months. My house of cards is falling down around my ears, and the mountain of stuff I haven’t wanted to deal with has toppled over on my head.
It doesn’t matter whether or not I’m ready to deal with it. There is no one else to help, or to do it for me. The professional has many times expressed her concern that I have no family support system here – and now I get it. I understand what it is I’m lacking, and why it’s so important. I have to suck it up, and get it done by myself, I have no other choice.
My reserves are pretty threadbare at this point. For going on 2 years I’ve had to be strong, and git ‘er done, with no chance to fill up my tank. I took care of Stephen, and didn’t share my worries with him. I felt it was more important that he have nothing but a positive frame of mind, to fight for his life. I’m not second-guessing that decision, and I don’t regret it at all. He had many more months than he should have – given the state of things when he first went into hospital. We had that time together, and every day was a gift from God.
I am barely hanging on, and I know a crash is coming soon. I need to shut down, and reboot. The time has come to make some really big decisions about the rest of my life, and I just can’t do it now. My brain is mush, and my body is weak.
So for now I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, and doing what comes next…until I reach that cottage on the shore next month where no one is depending on me, and I can do absolutely nothing.