I’m off on holiday soon, and these past few weeks have been CRAZY. Trying to get everything in order for the housesitters has brought up a lot of issues for me that I will be dealing with in the coming months. Before, if I went traveling, Stephen and I went together. Or, he’d be here taking care of everything, and we stayed connected with Skype and email and IM and..I’d check in with him at every stage of the journey, and I could talk to him and see his face, and it made leaving easier. I have no one to check in with now. It probably sounds like such a small thing, but to me it’s one more way to miss him. One more part of my life that is…lessened…because he’s not here to share it with.

I’ve always loved traveling- my family calls me the gypsy. And even when he couldn’t go with me, Stephen shared my joy in the journey. Whatever it is that I do next, I know that I will somehow make travel a part of it. Even when I traveled alone, I wasn’t really by myself. He was there with me, in spirit and on the computer. Now it’s just me, and that’s another new thing that I have to get used to.

When I booked this trip, months ago, it was meant to be a relaxing vacation. But, sometimes the universe has other plans. Now I’m dealing with cancer in my life yet again, and the relaxing holiday has turned into something quite different.

I truly hope the universe is done slapping me around for a while…just let me catch my breath, won’t you?

I have spent the last few years taking care of my sick husband. And then mourning my dead husband. In all that time, I didn’t take care of me. I know now that was the wrong way to handle it. I should have put something back into my tank, instead of steadily emptying it. Now is my opportunity to put something back. I blew my wad – all my frequent flyer miles, all my hotel points – on making this trip as over the top as I could. I intend to enjoy every second of it- every glass of champagne, every serving of caviar- to the fullest. With no excuses or apologies.

I think I’m owed a little luxury, a little pampering. I am feeling very beat up by life. I need to be still, with just myself…I need to learn who I am now. I will be as indulgent to myself as I know how to be…because when I arrive home, it will be the one year anniversary of Stephen’s death.

At this point in time, I can’t see my way over that milestone. My hope is, if I spend the next few months renewing my spirit – in whatever way seems good to me at the time-  I will have the resources to make it through that awful day, and out the other side.