I have this problem…I’m in slow motion while the rest of the world keeps on at the regular pace. I’m always a step behind, and I can’t seem to catch up. I keep waiting for things to get back to normal, but I’ve finally realized this is normal now.

My new normal.

I’m keeping busy – much busier than I expected, actually. I’ve got tons of things going on, meeting new people who don’t know me as Stephen’s widow.

My new/old blog is here: browndownunder.com  I’m picking up the reins there, and letting this one go. I am so, so grateful to everyone who took time out of their day to read my story, and leave me comments. I’d love it if you felt like following me on this journey.

Here’s the kitten bouquet again, to say I’m sorry for being quiet for so long.

I feel I should apologize for the unplanned hiatus. But then I think, ‘No, everyone understands that life pulls you in too many directions sometimes.’

This summer was not at all what I planned, but then plans rarely turn out exactly as you hope, do they? That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing, just…different.

I spent a lot of time and energy on my mother. Her illness and treatment, well, it’s not really my story to tell, so…it left me with not much to say here.

When I arrived home, I immediately got sick. I always seem to pick up a bug on the plane, and this trip was no exception. It was a sinus infection (which I never get) and by the time I got to the doctor, it was nearly bronchitis. A couple of courses of antibiotics later, and I’m nearly back to normal, just a lingering cough that is gradually getting better.

I anticipated that my visit with Stephen’s mom would be difficult, and emotional. Actually, it turned out to be the best part of my summer. Being with her was like being with Stephen in a lot of ways. It was easy and breezy, and comfortable, and comforting. There is no one left on earth who understands what I lost better than his mother does. I plan to visit as often as she’ll have me. From there I went on to Wales and visited friends there. Let me just say I loved it so much, that I couldn’t leave before planning my next trip. I may even need to live there at some point in the future.

Now, I’m home. Today is my birthday, and last Friday was the anniversary of Stephen’s death. So you can understand that today is not a day of great celebration for me. I knew this time would be difficult, but I wasn’t prepared for how extremely difficult it turned out to be. I was right back in the place I was a year ago. My body remembered what it went through, and chose to re-enact it all. I’m not sleeping, I’m drinking too much, and I lose seriously large chunks of time. I won’t catalog it all here, you can just go back and read from the beginning, it’s all the same thing.

I’ve lived a year without him, and I think I miss him more than ever. I am moving on with life, which means it will soon be time to resurrect my other blog and put this one to bed. With the help of a good friend, I have forgiven him for leaving me.

I think of myself like a cripple. I have this handicap that I have to live with. There is no cure for the hole inside me. I just have to acknowledge it, and get on with my day.

Day by lonely day.

My mother is in the hospital fighting cancer. I spend most of the day with her, and then come back here and pour some Mojitos down my neck. Not the healthiest method of dealing, I KNOW…I’ll work my way out of it soon. No, really.

The cottage I’m renting is about half an hour from the hospital, which actually works out really well. On the drive back here I can put that situation behind me, and work on my issues…the work of grieving goes on and on…and on. In a few weeks I’ll be visiting Stephen’s mum in England – there is no way that visit is not going to be heartbreaking.

As I sit here baring my soul on the internet, this is the view I have:

It’s really quite soothing. In spite of everything, I am feeling more at peace than I have in far too long. A complete change of scene was exactly what I needed. There are no reminders of Stephen here apart from what I brought with me. Without that background noise, I can think more clearly.

Although I think it’s more accurate to say: I can hear myself. Here, it actually seems possible to reconnect with that woman Stephen fell in love with; to get past the sad sack I have become.

Saturday I rented a convertible and took a leisurely drive up the coast to meet my BFF, Siobhan. A1A, also known as the ocean road, runs between the Atlantic Ocean and the intracoastal waterway.

2 lanes, and the speed limit never tops 35 mph…a perfect way to make myself slow down, and take in the scenery.

We had a really good meal at my favorite Mexican place, Rosalita’s. A shared plate of crab nachos, a chimichanga, and the biggest margarita I’ve ever seen.

Crab nachos!

Chimichanga!

I could have put my whole face in that glass…after the first one, I almost did!

After lunch, we went back to her place to meet up with another old friend  - after making one stop.

Holy moly, this place was amazing! Like a Costco, but for liquor.

Siobhan keeps after me about moving back to south Florida. I told her that this place might be the deciding factor. At the end of the night, I didn’t want to leave…but I said my goodbyes and drove back to Ft. Lauderdale.

Sunday was my flight to Connecticut on Jetblue. I really like Jetblue, I’ve never had a bad flight. We landed in Hartford just ahead of a major storm. After one more stop, I finally laid my head down in Old Saybrook, where I’ll be for the rest of the summer.

So, if I remember correctly, I was getting ready to board the plane for Zurich. I  like to board early, and get my stuff sorted. The lounge attendants had other ideas, they really did not want me to leave when boarding started. So, I sat back down, I was really curious as to what they had planned. Finally an attendant comes over and gets me, and hands me off to someone else who leads me to the gate, where boarding is in full swing. I have my boarding pass and passport ready, and she leads me to the front of the line. She takes my boarding pass, presents it to the security officer, hands me back the stub, and leads me down the jetway…past all those people waiting in line as if they don’t exist.

You thought I was joking about the caviar, didn’t you?

I changed into the pjs provided and went straight to sleep. 6 hours later, I was ready to enjoy my meal. Caviar, beef consomme, lobster thermidor, cheese with a lovely port. I have to stop here and rhapsodize over that lobster. It was perfectly cooked, sweet and moist and just delicious.

In Zurich, I managed to make it through my layover without going to sleep. I got a dayroom anyway, so I could shower and put myself back together. There are 2 available in the first class lounge – bed, shower, sink.

The cabin crew on my last flight to Miami were amazing – they made it one of my best flights ever. I didn’t quite manage to stay awake, I passed out around 2 hours out of Miami. I woke up just in time to change out of the pjs provided and brush my teeth.

By the time I landed, delirium had set in, and I couldn’t find my way out of the airport! Luckily, I got the limo driver on the phone and he told me where to go – I met him on the curb, and we were off to Fort Lauderdale.

Once I made it to my room, I took a sleeping pill and crashed. I slept the whole night through, and woke around 6:30am to another beautiful day in sunny south Florida.

My first flight was on Singapore Air. It was nothing special, which was a bit disappointing – I used to love flying with Singapore, but I’ve given my business to Thai Air and Swiss in the past few years. Singapore was hot and humid, which was a lovely change from Perth – my teeth were chattering as I walked into the airport this morning.

Second flight was on Thai Air, Singapore to Bangkok. The flight is less than 3 hours, and yet they managed to serve a hot meal, and keep my glass of champagne topped up. Can’t ask for more than that, really. I even caught a bit of a nap.

As I stepped off the jetway in Bangkok, there was a Thai agent holding up my name on a board. She escorted me to the buggy waiting, and we zipped over to transit security, and then on to the Thai Royal First lounge. It was a first for me, riding in the buggy past all the people walking. She blipped the horn at a couple of people who impeded her progress chauffering me to a shower and ice cold bubbles.

She handed me over to a lounge attendant, and I booked a spa treatment. But first, a desperately needed shower. L’Occitane products in the shower room! Ohh, lemon verbena, my favorite! Across from the lounge is the Royal Orchid Spa. Passengers traveling in Thai First get an hour treatment.  I chose the foot and leg massage, and the head and neck massage. I was seriously dragging when I arrived, and now I am so relaxed, yet energized at the same time. I had to stop myself from moaning aloud,  the knotted muscles felt so good when they unknotted. When she was massaging my neck, it was comforting beyond the relaxing muscles. I reflected that no one has touched me there since Stephen. The back of the neck is a vulnerable place, yet it was so deeply comforting to have warm hands there, however briefly. I don’t even know how to describe it – I think I felt my spirit starting to revive. We humans need the touch of other humans, don’t we?

I’m pouring champagne down my neck at a pretty good clip, and I had a delicious bowl of shrimp wonton soup.

It was so good, I think I might have another! Hmm, or maybe the green curry? The service is…well, not what I’m used to. The attendants don’t bend over when presenting you with food or drink, they kneel. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

3 hours until my flight boards – Thai first class to Zurich. Oh, I just heard the unmistakeable ‘POP’ of champagne opening. Excuse me, won’t you?

When I was sitting at Stephen’s bedside in the hospice, I was so happy to have pictures of him on my computer. Pictures of happier times that I could show to the wonderful staff there. So they could know the man I knew, full of life, not the wasted wretch suffering in front of them. I had those happier times to sustain me as I held his hand, while the life left his body.

I have a feeling that this trip will be transformative for me. In what way, I have absolutely no idea. I want to make note of all the good things, to sustain me in the darker times to come. I also want to share those good things. Every person who has read my words…everyone of you has shared some of my burden, making it lighter for me to shoulder. It’s only right that I share the good things to come.

I can’t be bothered to look up how many time zones I’ll be passing through. Crossing the International Date Line always does my head in trying to figure out how much time I’ve lost, or gained. The trip from here to the US will take over 45 hours. I could do it quicker, and I have in the past – but there’s no rush this time. And, as my flights are bought with miles, I had to take what I could get.

For the next few days, I’ll post when I can find wifi- but I will be posting.

I have amazing friends, who have continued to hold out a hand through all these months…even when I don’t respond, or break plans, or go silent. Some of them even smack me upside the head when I need it! I’ve been an awful friend, if I’m brutally honest – needy and clingy and absent. But the ladies I love are still there for me. You know who you are, and I thank you.

John Lennon’s song ‘Beautiful Boy’ contains the lyrics “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” I’m certainly guilty of that…busy making plans for my life instead of living my life.

No more.

I’m going to get out the good china, and the crystal, and use them every fucking day. I won’t wait for someday anymore… sometimes ‘someday’ never comes as I’ve learned to my sorrow. I feel so strongly that I need to live my life – be present in it. These past months I’ve just checked out of it…I know that, and I’m not proud of it. But, I’m also not going to beat myself up over it. It was what I needed to do to get through. See, I have learned how to be kind to myself.

Moving here to Australia was a massive leap of faith. I left all my friends, all my family, all my possessions, EVERYTHING…all to follow my heart wherever it lead me. I told myself ‘You can’t win big if you don’t risk big.’

I need to reconnect with that person. The next phase of my life is going to entail risk – at least, it will if I’m doing it right. The past months have beat me down so thoroughly…but I know that brave person is still in there. Somewhere.

I’m off on holiday soon, and these past few weeks have been CRAZY. Trying to get everything in order for the housesitters has brought up a lot of issues for me that I will be dealing with in the coming months. Before, if I went traveling, Stephen and I went together. Or, he’d be here taking care of everything, and we stayed connected with Skype and email and IM and..I’d check in with him at every stage of the journey, and I could talk to him and see his face, and it made leaving easier. I have no one to check in with now. It probably sounds like such a small thing, but to me it’s one more way to miss him. One more part of my life that is…lessened…because he’s not here to share it with.

I’ve always loved traveling- my family calls me the gypsy. And even when he couldn’t go with me, Stephen shared my joy in the journey. Whatever it is that I do next, I know that I will somehow make travel a part of it. Even when I traveled alone, I wasn’t really by myself. He was there with me, in spirit and on the computer. Now it’s just me, and that’s another new thing that I have to get used to.

When I booked this trip, months ago, it was meant to be a relaxing vacation. But, sometimes the universe has other plans. Now I’m dealing with cancer in my life yet again, and the relaxing holiday has turned into something quite different.

I truly hope the universe is done slapping me around for a while…just let me catch my breath, won’t you?

I have spent the last few years taking care of my sick husband. And then mourning my dead husband. In all that time, I didn’t take care of me. I know now that was the wrong way to handle it. I should have put something back into my tank, instead of steadily emptying it. Now is my opportunity to put something back. I blew my wad – all my frequent flyer miles, all my hotel points – on making this trip as over the top as I could. I intend to enjoy every second of it- every glass of champagne, every serving of caviar- to the fullest. With no excuses or apologies.

I think I’m owed a little luxury, a little pampering. I am feeling very beat up by life. I need to be still, with just myself…I need to learn who I am now. I will be as indulgent to myself as I know how to be…because when I arrive home, it will be the one year anniversary of Stephen’s death.

At this point in time, I can’t see my way over that milestone. My hope is, if I spend the next few months renewing my spirit – in whatever way seems good to me at the time-  I will have the resources to make it through that awful day, and out the other side.

Most of his stuff I pushed into a room and shut the door on it… Figuring I’ll get to it when I’m ready. It seems I’ve done that all over the house. Push it out of sight, and out of mind. I have a little bunker that I cleared and organized. It’s where I am most of the time, where I work and spend my days. That much I could handle. But, that can only go on for so many months. My house of cards is falling down around my ears, and the mountain of stuff I haven’t wanted to deal with has toppled over on my head.

It doesn’t matter whether or not I’m ready to deal with it. There is no one else to help, or to do it for me. The professional has many times expressed her concern that I have no family support system here – and now I get it. I understand what it is I’m lacking, and why it’s so important. I have to suck it up, and get it done by myself, I have no other choice.

My reserves are pretty threadbare at this point. For going on 2 years I’ve had to be strong, and git ‘er done, with no chance to fill up my tank. I took care of Stephen, and didn’t share my worries with him. I felt it was more important that he have nothing but a positive frame of mind, to fight for his life. I’m not second-guessing that decision, and I don’t regret it at all. He had many more months than he should have – given the state of things when he first went into hospital. We had that time together, and every day was a gift from God.

I am barely hanging on, and I know a crash is coming soon. I need to shut down, and reboot. The time has come to make some really big decisions about the rest of my life, and I just can’t do it now. My brain is mush, and my body is weak.

So for now I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, and doing what comes next…until I reach that cottage on the shore next month where no one is depending on me, and I can do absolutely nothing.